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Jokes

just for a laugh

Life gets pretty dull if you struggle with happiness. I don't have the answer but hopefully something here will put a smile on your face.

The jokes here are submitted by people that visit this site. Some might be funny, some might not. There is an age rating system when submitting jokes that, while limited to the submitters own discretion, will make sure jokes not intended for younger audiences will not be seen by them. Submit your joke.

Typically, a joke is only funny if your sense of humour matches that of the joke teller. So you also get the opportunity to vote for a joke. If you think you are funny, you can add your own joke. Will anyone else share your sense of humour?

Order by: Date - Rating - Age Restriction - Submitter

Click a submitters name to see all jokes by that person. Or show all.

Page 1 of 2


Submitted by Jake on Sunday, 29 August 2004

Rating 4.0 out of 5 from 3 vote(s).

Age restriction: 0

Q:What did the grape say when it got trodden on?

A: Nothing, it just gave out a little wine!

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Submitted by nzjonboy on Sunday, 4 November 2001

Rating 4.0 out of 5 from 4 vote(s).

Age restriction: 0

Two dead Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

How'd you die? The first blonde asked the second.

I froze to death, says the second.

That's awful says the first blonde. How does it feel to freeze to death?

It's very uncomfortable at first, says the second blonde. You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually,
it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and
you kind of drift off, as if you're going to sleep.

How about you, how did you die? asked the second blonde

I had a heart attack, says the first blonde. You see I knew my husband was cheating on me,so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up the three flights to our bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. So I ran back down to the ground floor, wrenched open the door and then on down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran all the way up to the second floor, looking under beds and in all the cupboards, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and
died.

The second blonde shakes her head.

What a pity- if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!

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Submitted by Zeek on Sunday, 5 August 2001

Rating 3.0 out of 5 from 3 vote(s).

Age restriction: 0

Alex Ferguson At The Pearly Gates

After Alex Ferguson dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour of heaven. He shows Alex a little two-bedroom house with a faded Man United banner hanging from the front porch. ''This is your house, Alex. Most people don't get their own houses up here,'' God says, ''so count yourself lucky.''

Alex looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge three-storey mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Blue flags line both sides of the long drive and a huge blue banner hangs between the marble columns, and a Chelsea scarf clearly visible in the window of one of the upstairs bedrooms in the west wing.

''Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. How come I get this scutty little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Ken Bates gets a big bloody mansion with fancy Chelsea banners and flags flying all over the place?''

God looks at him seriously for a moment. ''That's not Ken's house,'' God says.

''That's mine.''

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Submitted by Big Dave on Sunday, 10 June 2001

Rating 3.5 out of 5 from 2 vote(s).

Age restriction: 0

A couple are woken early one morning by some heavy duty knocking on their front door, and when the husband goes to check it out there's a drunk standing there who says 'hey man, I need a push'.

The man thinks to himself, 'crazy drunk, shouldn't be out in that state' and just slams the door in his face.

Back in bed his wife says, 'Well - who was it?'

'Some crazy drunk asking for a push, I slammed the door in his face.'


'Well honey' she says 'I know he's drunk and all but maybe his car just broke down and you can't just leave him out there with no help'

'Alright, alright' says the husband and throws on some old clothes so he can give the guy a push, if he can find him. Once he gets out into the front yard he can't see a car or the drunk in the dark so yells out 'hey, buddy who needed a push, you still out here?'

He hears an answer from the other side of his yard 'yeah man, still looking for a push'

'Well where are you?'

'On your swing man'

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Submitted by Big Dave on Sunday, 10 June 2001

Rating 1.5 out of 5 from 2 vote(s).

Age restriction: 0

What do you call a fish with no eye?

FSH

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